Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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