I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Randomize
