On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
