Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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