I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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