I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
