Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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