A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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