i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
