Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
