I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
