I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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