HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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