He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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