I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
