i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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