Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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