I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
