i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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