Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
