i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
