Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
