if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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