Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
