Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
