the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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