the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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