maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
