Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
