Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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