I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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