dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
