someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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