Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
