you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
