you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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