I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
