You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
