he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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