Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
