Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
