thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
