Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
he high fived his dick after we had sex
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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