so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
