Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
