I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a hot homeless man
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
