I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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