No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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