My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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