i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
