Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
