my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
